So, apparently I’m blogging again. No one is more surprised by this than me. The reason I stopped in the first place was to protect myself.
Last spring, people suddenly collectively realized, as if we had just magically appeared, that trans people exist and also use public restrooms. It’s not as if I hadn’t dealt with transphobia before, but I had never felt the weight of it like this before. I used to have this optimistic belief, at least on some level, that people were basically reasonable, that they could be swayed by logical, well-substantiated arguments and evidence. Like I was swayed when I started questioning the things I had been taught while growing up.Read More »
No, anhedonia is really not fun. Like, that’s the definition of anhedonia. Not fun. It’s what happens when you try to do the fun things… and then the fun things are not fun.Read More »
Just trying to get through each day is a struggle. It felt like a major accomplishment just to show up to my classes today. I didn’t manage it yesterday.Read More »
Content Note – Discussion of suicidal ideation
So… I worked out a lot of the stress things that I was freaking out about that were exacerbating and exacerbated by my depression. It felt like everything was magically okay again! For about a day. Even now I’m feeling much less overwhelmed, I’m still not doing so great. I find it very difficult to really get into, well, anything. The video games I usually play for fun now feel like a chore half the time. This kind of defeats the purpose of video games, and is also depressing. When I read blog posts and stuff, I sometimes just suddenly lose interest halfway through. Satisfying my hunger feels like this annoying chore, now, and I put it off like one, too. Unless it involves buying tasty/unhealthy food, in which case I crave all the tasty things. Except that I cannot figure out what the tasty things I want are, because I’m tired of all the stuff I usually get and can’t think of other things I might enjoy (at least, none that are easily accessible).Read More »
I haven’t been posting very often for the past month or so. Thing is, I’ve been pretty overwhelmed with my college courses (even though I’m only taking 9 hours), and I’m not coping as well as I had been. My depression seems to be getting worse again. Hopefully it’s mostly just a stress thing… but I am noticing some things that tend to be red flags for things going downhill. Like wanting to cut myself, randomly thinking about suicide (non-obsessively, without intent), missing classes, and feeling like everything is starting to fall apart and I am going to fail everything, forever.Read More »
I keep having lots of ideas for blogging lately, but they magically disappear as soon as I actually sit down at a keyboard, so I shall try rambling as a method for getting something written. For some reason I have been thinking about intersectionality, so I will write about that.
So. I am trans, and also ace, and also an atheist, and also have recurrent major depression. These things interact with each other.
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Oh look, I am doing that thing where I randomly disappear from the interwebs with no warning and then later randomly reappear with just as little warning, that I seem to always end up doing. I feel like this makes me a bad blogger. Like, if I’m going to take a break from blogging, I should tell people that I am going to take a break, instead of randomly disappearing. But, well, I’ve done that enough times with enough things on the internet over a long enough period of time that it kind of just seems like a thing that just happens whether I want it to or not.
I’m sure the whole recurring major depression thingy doesn’t really help with that either. I am tired of that. I wish it would just go away. It makes life be harder and less rewarding and generally suck more. And is there ever going to be a time when I am not at least a little depressed? And I still hate calling it depression, though I don’t have anything else to call it right now. I’m not sad godsdamnit. Tired, easily stressed out, lacking motivation, stuff like that, yes, but not sad.
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