I am finding that there is a very fine balance for me, coming back to blogging (for reasons I discussed in the previous post). I have to put limits on how much I read other people’s blogs, sometimes. I have to monitor my emotional responses so I can back off before things become too much. I might be able to handle things just fine, for a while, but then it gets to be too much. Or I might be in a good place to handle things one day, but the smallest things get to me, the next.
No, anhedonia is really not fun. Like, that’s the definition of anhedonia. Not fun. It’s what happens when you try to do the fun things… and then the fun things are not fun.Read More »
Just trying to get through each day is a struggle. It felt like a major accomplishment just to show up to my classes today. I didn’t manage it yesterday.Read More »
Content Note – Discussion of suicidal ideation
So… I worked out a lot of the stress things that I was freaking out about that were exacerbating and exacerbated by my depression. It felt like everything was magically okay again! For about a day. Even now I’m feeling much less overwhelmed, I’m still not doing so great. I find it very difficult to really get into, well, anything. The video games I usually play for fun now feel like a chore half the time. This kind of defeats the purpose of video games, and is also depressing. When I read blog posts and stuff, I sometimes just suddenly lose interest halfway through. Satisfying my hunger feels like this annoying chore, now, and I put it off like one, too. Unless it involves buying tasty/unhealthy food, in which case I crave all the tasty things. Except that I cannot figure out what the tasty things I want are, because I’m tired of all the stuff I usually get and can’t think of other things I might enjoy (at least, none that are easily accessible).Read More »
I haven’t been posting very often for the past month or so. Thing is, I’ve been pretty overwhelmed with my college courses (even though I’m only taking 9 hours), and I’m not coping as well as I had been. My depression seems to be getting worse again. Hopefully it’s mostly just a stress thing… but I am noticing some things that tend to be red flags for things going downhill. Like wanting to cut myself, randomly thinking about suicide (non-obsessively, without intent), missing classes, and feeling like everything is starting to fall apart and I am going to fail everything, forever.Read More »
I’m only being half sarcastic with the title. It is awesome to finally be on testosterone, despite all my particular issues. In fact, I was so excited about starting T, I almost forgot to be anxious about getting stabbed with a needle, though I do have to wonder if my psych meds are actually helping with my anxiety like they are supposed to.Read More »
One thing I have noticed since I started blogging from my phone more often, is that my phone’s auto-complete really doesn’t like some words. What I mean is, it learns new words as I use them, but there are some words it just refuses to learn. No matter how many times I use lower-case g “god”, it always tries to suggest that I actually meant to capitalize that ‘g’. Lower-case g “gods” is okay, though. It also won’t learn “fuck” or “fucking”, but apparently it will learn “fuckity” (which I used once, maybe twice). And it doesn’t like the words “suicide” or “suicidal”, but it did learn my typo “suicida”. That last one bothers me more than any of the others. I mean, coding morality policing into my phone is really annoying, and I don’t see why they couldn’t just leave those words out of the default dictionary as opposed to blacklisting them so the auto-correct can’t learn them. But censoring “suicide” is bullshit. It suggests that suicidal ideation, suicide attempts, and completed suicide are shameful or taboo. And fuck that.Read More »