Apparently I Have PTSD

This isn’t the first time I have tried to write this post. My previous draft of this post, written probably in January or February, goes like this:

Apparently I have PTSD.

It came as a total surprise to me when my therapist told me this. As time passed and I thought about it and paid attention to how I reacted to things, though, it kinda made sense. It could explain some things.

I get frustrated when I try to look stuff up about PTSD, though, because most of the stuff out there (that comes up on google, at least) seems more geared towards those who have PTSD stemming from experiences such as war, rape, assault, or long-term abuse. Mine stems from experiences with discrimination.

It’s hard to talk about those experiences. I thought I’d mostly come to terms with them, but apparently not. I mean, I feel like I have a sense of closure over what happened with my former friend/roommate who took issue with me being trans. But any time something happens that feels similar in some way… it’s really hard to deal with. It’s like I’ve got this wound that I thought had healed, but then whenever I get hit in that same spot, or anywhere near it, it hurts a lot more than it should.

Even just writing this is hard in ways that I didn’t anticipate. And it doesn’t help that I keep having these thoughts that my PTSD is less legitimate, somehow, than the PTSD of veterans or rape survivors. I feel like a fake just writing the phrase “my PTSD”.

I still feel like a faker talking about this. Which is silly, right? Why should I feel like a faker because my therapist told me my diagnosis? Even if I got a mistaken diagnosis, that wouldn’t mean I’m faking anything, and it certainly wouldn’t make my problems any less real or legitimate.

But I still get stuck on this. On feeling like I have to defend myself, like I have to keep trying to fit my experiences into a box somehow, so it fits with the current official definition of what counts as a trauma that can cause PTSD.


Finding a Balance

I am finding that there is a very fine balance for me, coming back to blogging (for reasons I discussed in the previous post). I have to put limits on how much I read other people’s blogs, sometimes. I have to monitor my emotional responses so I can back off before things become too much. I might be able to handle things just fine, for a while, but then it gets to be too much. Or I might be in a good place to handle things one day, but the smallest things get to me, the next.

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Mental Health Update

Content Note – Discussion of suicidal ideation

So… I worked out a lot of the stress things that I was freaking out about that were exacerbating and exacerbated by my depression. It felt like everything was magically okay again! For about a day. Even now I’m feeling much less overwhelmed, I’m still not doing so great. I find it very difficult to really get into, well, anything. The video games I usually play for fun now feel like a chore half the time. This kind of defeats the purpose of video games, and is also depressing. When I read blog posts and stuff, I sometimes just suddenly lose interest halfway through. Satisfying my hunger feels like this annoying chore, now, and I put it off like one, too. Unless it involves buying tasty/unhealthy food, in which case I crave all the tasty things. Except that I cannot figure out what the tasty things I want are, because I’m tired of all the stuff I usually get and can’t think of other things I might enjoy (at least, none that are easily accessible).Read More »

Mental Health Fun-ness, HRT, and Uncertainty

I haven’t been posting very often for the past month or so. Thing is, I’ve been pretty overwhelmed with my college courses (even though I’m only taking 9 hours), and I’m not coping as well as I had been. My depression seems to be getting worse again. Hopefully it’s mostly just a stress thing… but I am noticing some things that tend to be red flags for things going downhill. Like wanting to cut myself, randomly thinking about suicide (non-obsessively, without intent), missing classes, and feeling like everything is starting to fall apart and I am going to fail everything, forever.Read More »