I’m having a bad day. Part of that is getting triggered by reading blatantly transphobic crap. Another part of that is getting triggered by reading stuff that might or might not be transphobic but I can’t really tell, so I spend a lot of mental effort trying to figure it out without really arriving at any conclusions (and feeling crappy the entire time, because even if this stuff isn’t transphobic, it’s reminding me of other stuff that is). So I figure, I’m already triggered by this crap, I might as well get something out of it by blogging about it, right?
Blogging has been really hard for me lately. And by lately, I mean basically all the times I’ve tried to do it for like the past year and half. The political climate for this time has been really, really awful for me. I’ve been basically avoiding the news for that amount of time, because
I get too close to some things, and my mind shies away from it. It makes it really hard to write about some things. I can’t always tell ahead of time if something will be hard to write. And some things I just don’t know how to express.
…and that’s about all I’m going to get out of this post, isn’t it? I didn’t even write about a fraction of the things I thought I would when I sat down. Like writing about the transphobic things that set me off earlier. That’s okay, though. It’s still some sort of progress on the whole blogging thing.
This isn’t the first time I have tried to write this post. My previous draft of this post, written probably in January or February, goes like this:
Apparently I have PTSD.
It came as a total surprise to me when my therapist told me this. As time passed and I thought about it and paid attention to how I reacted to things, though, it kinda made sense. It could explain some things.
I get frustrated when I try to look stuff up about PTSD, though, because most of the stuff out there (that comes up on google, at least) seems more geared towards those who have PTSD stemming from experiences such as war, rape, assault, or long-term abuse. Mine stems from experiences with discrimination.
It’s hard to talk about those experiences. I thought I’d mostly come to terms with them, but apparently not. I mean, I feel like I have a sense of closure over what happened with my former friend/roommate who took issue with me being trans. But any time something happens that feels similar in some way… it’s really hard to deal with. It’s like I’ve got this wound that I thought had healed, but then whenever I get hit in that same spot, or anywhere near it, it hurts a lot more than it should.
Even just writing this is hard in ways that I didn’t anticipate. And it doesn’t help that I keep having these thoughts that my PTSD is less legitimate, somehow, than the PTSD of veterans or rape survivors. I feel like a fake just writing the phrase “my PTSD”.
I still feel like a faker talking about this. Which is silly, right? Why should I feel like a faker because my therapist told me my diagnosis? Even if I got a mistaken diagnosis, that wouldn’t mean I’m faking anything, and it certainly wouldn’t make my problems any less real or legitimate.
But I still get stuck on this. On feeling like I have to defend myself, like I have to keep trying to fit my experiences into a box somehow, so it fits with the current official definition of what counts as a trauma that can cause PTSD.
I haven’t been in the blogosphere much in the past year. This isn’t even the first time I’ve tried to start up blogging again. Last time, I managed a whole week of blogging before I stopped again.
I don’t even really know why I am trying again. All of the reasons I stopped before still apply.
But I do know why I am writing this post. I’m just trying to write something, anything. I don’t even care if it’s any good. I just need to build up some momentum.
Nope, I lied. I do care if it’s good or not. And this post isn’t.
And here is the part where I try to convince myself that a bad start is better than no start at all.
*hits “Publish” button*
I am finding that there is a very fine balance for me, coming back to blogging (for reasons I discussed in the previous post). I have to put limits on how much I read other people’s blogs, sometimes. I have to monitor my emotional responses so I can back off before things become too much. I might be able to handle things just fine, for a while, but then it gets to be too much. Or I might be in a good place to handle things one day, but the smallest things get to me, the next.
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So, apparently I’m blogging again. No one is more surprised by this than me. The reason I stopped in the first place was to protect myself.
Last spring, people suddenly collectively realized, as if we had just magically appeared, that trans people exist and also use public restrooms. It’s not as if I hadn’t dealt with transphobia before, but I had never felt the weight of it like this before. I used to have this optimistic belief, at least on some level, that people were basically reasonable, that they could be swayed by logical, well-substantiated arguments and evidence. Like I was swayed when I started questioning the things I had been taught while growing up.Read More »
Yesterday I wrote about what I thought should be added to a list of things that atheists should stop saying (written by Christian blogger Benjamin Corey). Today I’ll talk about what was on that list that I think shouldn’t be, namely, the request that atheists stop calling religious people’s beliefs fairy tales. This is the one thing on the original list that got the most push-back from atheists, which prompted a response from the author.Read More »
So, today I ran across a response to a blog post on Patheos that a Christian wrote about shit he wishes atheists would stop saying. I’d read that post before a while ago and, on the whole, I think the guy had some good points. When I think about the sort of obnoxious statements that he is likely responding to, I’m inclined to nod and say “Yea, totally, people should stop saying shit like that.” But I do think his list of things atheists should stop saying also includes some things that don’t fall under the “obnoxious crap” category (which other people have already done a good job covering, like the guy I linked above). However, he also misses a few things that should be on the list but aren’t. So I thought I’d write my own post about shit that I, as an atheist, wish other atheists would stop saying.
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