Just trying to get through each day is a struggle. It felt like a major accomplishment just to show up to my classes today. I didn’t manage it yesterday.
I try to do fun things or keep myself occupied, but it’s so hard to get into things, and the fun things aren’t fun most of the time. I’m actually having a harder time after getting home and trying to relax in the evening than I was earlier when trying to manage getting to classes and appointments. And that was not easy.
It’s really hard to concentrate on reading. I’ll just suddenly lose interest, or I’ll read several paragraphs and then realize that I have no idea what they were about. Reading is one of my favorite things to do. And most of things I have left for the semester involve reading textbooks. This sucks.
I asked my therapist today if, while fleeting suicidal thoughts might be fairly normal for people under a lot of stress, is it normal if the fleeting thoughts are about methods? She said no. I felt validated, in that I was not worried over nothing when that started up.
I hate the place I am in right now. Not up to a decent level of functioning, not able to enjoy things the way I usually do. But not quite at rock bottom. I kind of wish I’d finish reaching rock bottom already, so then I could start on things getting better, rather than things staying the same or getting worse. Because the worst thing I can think of is things just staying like this.
I think the very worst thing is that I am coping. I am getting help, I am talking to professors, I am getting extensions and finishing assignments is realistic. Most of the stress has been relieved. And I’m still getting worse. It’s scarier and feels more out of control than it did when I could just tell myself that some event was causing it, and that things will be better when circumstances improve.