I Hate Being Depressed

Just trying to get through each day is a struggle. It felt like a major accomplishment just to show up to my classes today. I didn’t manage it yesterday.

I try to do fun things or keep myself occupied, but it’s so hard to get into things, and the fun things aren’t fun most of the time. I’m actually having a harder time after getting home and trying to relax in the evening than I was earlier when trying to manage getting to classes and appointments. And that was not easy.

It’s really hard to concentrate on reading. I’ll just suddenly lose interest, or I’ll read several paragraphs and then realize that I have no idea what they were about. Reading is one of my favorite things to do. And most of things I have left for the semester involve reading textbooks. This sucks.

I asked my therapist today if, while fleeting suicidal thoughts might be fairly normal for people under a lot of stress, is it normal if the fleeting thoughts are about methods? She said no. I felt validated, in that I was not worried over nothing when that started up.

I hate the place I am in right now. Not up to a decent level of functioning, not able to enjoy things the way I usually do. But not quite at rock bottom. I kind of wish I’d finish reaching rock bottom already, so then I could start on things getting better, rather than things staying the same or getting worse. Because the worst thing I can think of is things just staying like this.

I think the very worst thing is that I am coping. I am getting help, I am talking to professors, I am getting extensions and finishing assignments is realistic. Most of the stress has been relieved. And I’m still getting worse. It’s scarier and feels more out of control than it did when I could just tell myself that some event was causing it, and that things will be better when circumstances improve.

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11 thoughts on “I Hate Being Depressed

  1. I wish you all the best. I don’t know what else to say, but I really do wish you the best. And I’m sorry you’re struggling so much.

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  2. Depression is such a bastard that way. It sucks the very life out of all the good things you need/want that might actually help get you out of the slump. I’ll be thinking good thoughts from over yonder. Just keep at it.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I hear you. This post resonated with me really deeply – I was in such a similar position my junior year of college. I couldn’t read, I registered as having a disability. I talked to professors and went to lots of counseling, I got extensions and incompletes, I could not come up with anything that might feel “good” or “fun.” I couldn’t envision it getting any better.

    Will be thinking of you. (it did get better!)

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Hey, Alex, hate to hear ya going through all this. I was wondering, how long has it been exactly, since stepping away from Christianity? Just curious, as I saw a dramatic struggle as to how to cope with shit after leaning on Jesus for so long prior. I’m wondering if some of what you’re going through isn’t so much awaiting rock bottom as much as reestablishing exactly how to cope now that an old (and very predominant) method has been stripped of you.

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    • You know, I’m not sure exactly how long it’s been. But one of my posts from February of 2012 suggests I was comfortably identifying as an atheist by then. The first time I admitted to myself I didn’t believe in God any more, it was most certainly not comfortable. So… probably five years or so.

      I definitely struggled when I was first trying to learn how to live life as an atheist, though. And I was depressed then, too, and going through the worst of my more chronic episodes. Things weren’t as bad as they’ve gotten sometimes when things have gone very south, very quickly, but they were pretty bad, and it was like that for about 6 months. I think one of the reasons I find myself hoping to hit rock bottom is that I would rather go through a short period of super extra bad than go through another months long period that is “only” very bad.

      That, and if things got that bad, it feels like I wouldn’t feel like I’m being a wuss for letting this stuff get to me so much, or like I’m being lazy for not trying harder to fight this, or like I’m making things out to be worse than they really are, or like I don’t have Real Problems (TM). Of course, intellectually, I realize that none of these things are true, and that things getting “bad enough” wouldn’t actually help me not feel like that. But, what can I say? My brain is a jerk, sometimes.

      Or, it could just be that it still bugs me that I’ve spent that long thinking about killing myself without ever making an attempt. Which really is not a good reason to make an attempt… Did I mention my brain is a jerk?

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      • Wow that’s some heavy stuff. Please do not make an attempt, Alex! I’m glad you have your therapist, us here on WP, and hopefully people nearby as well that will remind you to keep hope alive and not give up on the life you’ve been given.
        Thank you for your openness about your struggles. I hope you really do find the relief you need.
        I struggled with suicidal thoughts in my teens-early twenties, and depression most of my twenties. No, pretty much all my twenties. I never saw the point in life, and even now it’s sometimes a struggle. I also have had more anxieties in my life than everyone else I know combined. But for me, clearing my mind helps a lot. I’ve learned that it’s a matter of perspective.
        For a long time, living with an eternal mindset left me wondering why I should care about the now or not get wrapped up in anxiety over it. Presently I see things so much better. I look at Karen or just the simplicity of the beauties in this world and see reason for living. There is a beauty in knowing this is all we have and enjoying it for what we want. I’m not talking about living in a way that hurts others, but I am a big proponent on otherwise doing whatever it is that makes you enjoy life. If that means trekking through nature or sitting on your ass playing video games, go for it. Enjoy it however. The depression, the anxiety, the fear… I truly believe we can watch them begin to dissipate if we’re chasing our dreams. The trick is to keep those dreams within reality so our hopes don’t get dashed. For example. Karen and I aren’t made of money so we find cheap thrills (did I just quote a Sia song? lol). Life really can be beautiful though. We don’t have to be bound by the things that threaten us.

        Liked by 1 person

        • I like being able to talk about it openly and frankly, even if I do use a pseudonym.

          I had a better day today than yesterday, and I actually have some things I am looking forward to tomorrow. I will be busy pretty much all day. That’s probably a good thing. It’s when I’ve got down time that’s been the hardest lately–it’s so much more apparent that I have difficulty enjoying things when I’m trying to play video games than when I’m waiting for a lecture to end.

          I appreciate the support from you all. It does help.

          Liked by 1 person

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