When I started this blog, I was still doing a lot of exploration and questioning, trying to figure out how to identify. I think I’m done questioning, though. I’ve been identifying as an aromantic asexual for some time, now, and it fits me pretty well. I doubt I’ll find any better words to succinctly describe my sexual orientation than the ones I’m already using.
Which now leaves me trying to figure out how to navigate significant relationships. I’m not interested in any relationships that are sexual and/or romantic, but I live in a society where sexual/romantic relationships are seen as The Significant Relationship in a person’s life. I’m not about to give up on the idea of important relationships just because I’m an aro ace, though.
Why shouldn’t I be able to have a close relationship with the same sort of long-term commitment and emotional closeness that people often have with a spouse or serious girlfriend/boyfriend? Why shouldn’t I be able to have the sort of relationship for which either/any party in the relationship would be willing to consider moving to another city to stay together?
I’m not sure how to go about finding this, though. For sexual/romantic relationships, there are social expectations, scripts to follow (how to flirt, how to date, when to have a first kiss, when to start having sex, etc.). For finding a queerplatonic relationship (a significant relationship that is not sexual or romantic), there aren’t any scripts. Hell, I’m lucky I even know there’s a word for queerplatonic relationships.
I suppose finding another aro ace could be fairly ideal, but that’s not necessarily easy to do. Even if I do meet other aro aces, there’s no guarantee I’ll meet anyone I want to have a close relationship with. Basically, aro aces make up a really small “dating” pool.
Polyamory could potentially be fairly ideal. If I found a polyamorous person (of any sexual orientation) that I formed a close relationship with, then they could still satisfy their sexual/romantic desires/needs with other people, and that could potentially be a very satisfying relationship for all involved. It might not even need to be specifically polyamorous. I know one monogamous, straight couple who had a roommate for several years. They were all close friends, and I think they may have even moved together once or twice. I’d love to have a relationship like that.
But, it’s not like I can just show up at a “singles” night, or a speed dating event, or a gay bar, and expect to find people looking for the same sort of relationship that I’m interested in. I’m not even sure I want to go actively looking for a queerplatonic partner. Maybe I’ll just try to be social and make friends (which I was going to do anyway), and let my relationships develop however they will, without trying to label things or specifically find a certain type of relationship.