Significant Relationships and Being an Aromantic Ace

When I started this blog, I was still doing a lot of exploration and questioning, trying to figure out how to identify. I think I’m done questioning, though. I’ve been identifying as an aromantic asexual for some time, now, and it fits me pretty well. I doubt I’ll find any better words to succinctly describe my sexual orientation than the ones I’m already using.

Which now leaves me trying to figure out how to navigate significant relationships. I’m not interested in any relationships that are sexual and/or romantic, but I live in a society where sexual/romantic relationships are seen as The Significant Relationship in a person’s life. I’m not about to give up on the idea of important relationships just because I’m an aro ace, though.

Why shouldn’t I be able to have a close relationship with the same sort of long-term commitment and emotional closeness that people often have with a spouse or serious girlfriend/boyfriend? Why shouldn’t I be able to have the sort of relationship for which either/any party in the relationship would be willing to consider moving to another city to stay together?

I’m not sure how to go about finding this, though. For sexual/romantic relationships, there are social expectations, scripts to follow (how to flirt, how to date, when to have a first kiss, when to start having sex, etc.). For finding a queerplatonic relationship (a significant relationship that is not sexual or romantic), there aren’t any scripts. Hell, I’m lucky I even know there’s a word for queerplatonic relationships.

I suppose finding another aro ace could be fairly ideal, but that’s not necessarily easy to do. Even if I do meet other aro aces, there’s no guarantee I’ll meet anyone I want to have a close relationship with. Basically, aro aces make up a really small “dating” pool.

Polyamory could potentially be fairly ideal. If I found a polyamorous person (of any sexual orientation) that I formed a close relationship with, then they could still satisfy their sexual/romantic desires/needs with other people, and that could potentially be a very satisfying relationship for all involved. It might not even need to be specifically polyamorous. I know one monogamous, straight couple who had a roommate for several years. They were all close friends, and I think they may have even moved together once or twice. I’d love to have a relationship like that.

But, it’s not like I can just show up at a “singles” night, or a speed dating event, or a gay bar, and expect to find people looking for the same sort of relationship that I’m interested in. I’m not even sure I want to go actively looking for a queerplatonic partner. Maybe I’ll just try to be social and make friends (which I was going to do anyway), and let my relationships develop however they will, without trying to label things or specifically find a certain type of relationship.


4 thoughts on “Significant Relationships and Being an Aromantic Ace

  1. As a fellow aro-ace, I feel you on this one. There is nothing that I want more than a lasting queer-platonic relationship, but I have no idea how to go about looking for someone. I have a hard time connecting with people to start with, so having a relationship with someone with that level of commitment is hard. I worry sometimes that I will end up alone, but right now I am really thankful for the friends that I have. Maybe that’s enough.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I can understand the frustration of how to find exactly what you are looking for. I personally think your last paragraph is so true. Be social, make friends and let relationships develop naturally….and I would add, be yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Finding relationships is difficult no matter what. Finding non-sexual relationships I’m sure is even more difficult. I can’t even begin to put myself in your shoes that way, as I’m a hyper sexual person, but dammit… It would be nice if there were other factors that you could use to tell a persons preferences and orientations. Or that people would be more immediately straightforward with it.
    I’m totally with the just letting relationships develop thing. It’s highly preferential at this point. I see no point in rushing, nor demanding labels. Just be, until everyone in the relationship decides that a label would be a good thing.
    Good luck sunshine!


    • Thanks.

      I really can’t put myself in your shoes, either. I mean, I see all the time people pursuing sexual and/or romantic relationships because it permeates the culture so much, so I sort of understand on an intellectual level, or at least I frequently observe that this is a thing that happens, but I don’t really get it. I’ll find myself reading about someone’s experience with that sort of the time and half the time I’ll just be like, “huh?”

      Liked by 1 person

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