Not Exactly Blogging Again

So, I ended up coming back to my blog today because there were a few posts I didn’t quite feel comfortable just leaving up on the net indefinitely (the roommate saga ones, basically), and I went through my whole blog to make sure I found all the posts I wanted to mark as private. So, if there was some post you remember and you don’t see it now, that’s probably why. I could potentially make them password protected instead of private at some point, if someone asks.

Anyway, I just wanted to put up a notice in case someone came looking for those posts and didn’t find them again. I’m probably not starting blogging again, although going through my blog archives has certainly brought back memories. I feel like leaving an update of how I am doing, though. I’m still taking college classes, maybe I’ll even finish my degree sometime this decade. I’m still depressed, but the therapist I’m seeing now is helping more than any of the ones I’ve ever seen before. I’m learning to make reasonable goals and be organized and to catch and change unrealistically negative thoughts. I think this is probably CBT or something like it, which I have never gotten before, despite asking for it that one time. I think it is helping, a lot. I hope it continues to be like that.

I’ve kind of gotten bogged down in the whole transitioning thing because of always being depressed all the time. I got a letter for starting HRT last year…. and I still haven’t started HRT. I keep running into little things that shouldn’t really stop me, but I’m depressed, so the little things turn into huge roadblocks. Like, finding out that I didn’t have health insurance when I thought I did (NEVER a fun realization, especially the week after you found out your insurance covers HRT), or finding out that my dislike of needles might be more aptly described as a phobia (if it’s bad enough to interfere with me getting medical services, then it’s a problem and it needs to be dealt with), or…. bleh. Ok, so the things I actually listed there are more kind of big problems than little ones. But even the little stuff gets me slogged down when I’m depressed, and then the big stuff just seems totally impossible. The biggest thing stopping me now that I’ve got health insurance again, though, is just having anxiety about having to call to make an appointment (I hate phones!), and anxiety over having to deal with inconsistencies between my real name and my legal name, and anxiety over having to show up to the waiting room again after last time when I was upset when I showed up for my appointment to discuss HRT and found out in the waiting room that I didn’t have insurance and then couldn’t stop myself from crying while still in the waiting room and I hate hate hate crying in public and…. And I am feeling a lot less silly about having trouble working through all the things when I’ve written down all the different things that are stopping me from getting HRT all in one place. I mean, that’s kind of a lot of things, and some of them are pretty big things.

Anyway. Um. So I’m actually keeping a dream journal consistently again. It is awesome. I’m also keeping a journal journal again, which is also awesome. I stopped doing that last time after having a think about what if someone read my journal that I didn’t want to.

I think that’s probably good enough for a “I’m not blogging again but here’s an update on what’s going on with me and a notice about why I hid some posts” post.


2 thoughts on “Not Exactly Blogging Again

  1. Hey Em. I wasn’t sure anybody would see this post, but I’m glad I wrote it, now. I was looking at your blog a bit the other day, but I couldn’t think of much to say in comment (what with having been away from the blogosphere for a while) except maybe “I’m glad you moved away from that one jerkface” and “Transmisogyny is shitty”.

    You take care of yourself, too.


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