Ok, So Maybe I Am Blogging Again

Ever since I posted that notice about having hid some posts, but not being blogging again, I keep thinking of ideas of things to blog about. So, maybe I actually am blogging again. Or should be.

Some of the stuff I’ve been thinking I should write blog posts about:

1. Inclusivity and Intersectionality

I just started going to my college’s GSA meetings again, only to find out that they are talking about awesome things like intersectionality and how to be more inclusive. Specifically, they’re talking about what to do about the fact that our GSA is very, very white, even though the college as a whole is relatively racially diverse. This is making me think a lot about inclusivity and intersectionality in other contexts, too, especially ones I have personal experience of (e.g. the intersection of disability and asexuality, or tips for people who want to make their organization more trans-friendly).

2. Depression

Gods. Depression. Can’t it go away already? I’m trying to live a life over here. It is not helping.

3. Transition Related Stuff

Perhaps one of the biggest reasons I want to write stuff about my transition is to throw another example out there of what transition can be like, and how it is not always like those nice, shiny, normalized narratives of transition that get put in books and documentaries and what have you. And also to reassure myself (and others) that it’s totally ok to not be like those book people, or to not be one of the ones that “always knew” (whatever the hell that means anyway), or whatever other transition trope.

4. Atheism Stuff

I’ve been reading Victor J. Stenger’s “The New Atheism”, and I’ve been reading various atheist blogs again, and some of the ways I’ve seen people reframing various arguments has gotten me thinking that I really ought to think through, and write up, what sort of evidence would get me to reconsider whether gods exist. After all, as Stenger keeps saying, absence of evidence that should be there is evidence of absence. Or, another way of framing things. What would I expect a world which contains (for example) the Christian god to look like? What would I expect a world which does not contain the Christian god to look like? Which of these two worlds does the world I actually live in more closely resemble?

Ok, that is totally enough words to count as a whole post.

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Not Exactly Blogging Again

So, I ended up coming back to my blog today because there were a few posts I didn’t quite feel comfortable just leaving up on the net indefinitely (the roommate saga ones, basically), and I went through my whole blog to make sure I found all the posts I wanted to mark as private. So, if there was some post you remember and you don’t see it now, that’s probably why. I could potentially make them password protected instead of private at some point, if someone asks.

Anyway, I just wanted to put up a notice in case someone came looking for those posts and didn’t find them again. I’m probably not starting blogging again, although going through my blog archives has certainly brought back memories. I feel like leaving an update of how I am doing, though. I’m still taking college classes, maybe I’ll even finish my degree sometime this decade. I’m still depressed, but the therapist I’m seeing now is helping more than any of the ones I’ve ever seen before. I’m learning to make reasonable goals and be organized and to catch and change unrealistically negative thoughts. I think this is probably CBT or something like it, which I have never gotten before, despite asking for it that one time. I think it is helping, a lot. I hope it continues to be like that.

I’ve kind of gotten bogged down in the whole transitioning thing because of always being depressed all the time. I got a letter for starting HRT last year…. and I still haven’t started HRT. I keep running into little things that shouldn’t really stop me, but I’m depressed, so the little things turn into huge roadblocks. Like, finding out that I didn’t have health insurance when I thought I did (NEVER a fun realization, especially the week after you found out your insurance covers HRT), or finding out that my dislike of needles might be more aptly described as a phobia (if it’s bad enough to interfere with me getting medical services, then it’s a problem and it needs to be dealt with), or…. bleh. Ok, so the things I actually listed there are more kind of big problems than little ones. But even the little stuff gets me slogged down when I’m depressed, and then the big stuff just seems totally impossible. The biggest thing stopping me now that I’ve got health insurance again, though, is just having anxiety about having to call to make an appointment (I hate phones!), and anxiety over having to deal with inconsistencies between my real name and my legal name, and anxiety over having to show up to the waiting room again after last time when I was upset when I showed up for my appointment to discuss HRT and found out in the waiting room that I didn’t have insurance and then couldn’t stop myself from crying while still in the waiting room and I hate hate hate crying in public and…. And I am feeling a lot less silly about having trouble working through all the things when I’ve written down all the different things that are stopping me from getting HRT all in one place. I mean, that’s kind of a lot of things, and some of them are pretty big things.

Anyway. Um. So I’m actually keeping a dream journal consistently again. It is awesome. I’m also keeping a journal journal again, which is also awesome. I stopped doing that last time after having a think about what if someone read my journal that I didn’t want to.

I think that’s probably good enough for a “I’m not blogging again but here’s an update on what’s going on with me and a notice about why I hid some posts” post.