I should not be feeling this exhausted. I went to the library for a couple of hours to revise an essay, and I picked up a few groceries on the way home. That’s it. And yet, I feel as exhausted as if I’d been working all day long, and most of it on my feet. I’m not even sure how I finally pulled together enough energy to write a simple blog post.
Depression sucks. Supposedly feeling tired all of the time is kind of normal for being depressed. It doesn’t really help with taking college courses. Last week I had a day where I was so fatigued and everything took so much effort that just putting on shoes seemed like an absolutely Herculean task. After staring at them for several minutes, I finally managed to put them on, but only because I decided to skip the socks step. And the reason I put on the shoes in the first place was to go get some food. Tasty food. Something I would normally be excited about. It’s a good thing that wasn’t one of the days I needed to go to class. It was probably one of the days I needed to do homework though. Homework does not happen on a day like that. A day like that, I just try to get through it and take care of myself as best I can, in the hopes that I can actually get back to accomplishing stuff the next day.
I don’t know how I think I am going to manage writing a blog post every day when I get blindsided by days like that. I really just couldn’t stand the thought of giving up only four days into the challenge, though, and that’s about the only reason I’m trying to write this. And it’s not quite so bad as the putting-on-shoes-is-a-Herculean-task sort of day. My blogging ahead strategy would work really great for days like this, only the one blog post I wrote ahead is really triggery, emotional stuff that I’m not going to post before I edit it and clean it up, and one look at it was enough to know that that’s not going to happen today. I totally had a great idea this morning that I would respond to this other guy’s atheist challenge post, which has some questions for atheists as a challenge thing. But that would be too much effort.
I was totally planning to make my next post about depression be all about how my mind manages to turn everything into catastrophic failure, sometimes, but instead I’m writing about the days where everything takes so much effort that just doing normal stuff feels like trying to run through molasses or something. Actually, this doesn’t seem like so much effort now that I’ve gotten this far (mind you, it took a lot of time and effort to get those first three paragraphs out, and I never thought I’d actually get enough to where it looks like an actual blog post, only now it kind of does). So I guess I could talk about how my mind catastrophizes everything sometimes, too. It’s not all of the time, just sometimes. But when it’s like that, I’ll do something simple, like write a blog post and then post it… and then think shit along the lines “That was a horrible post, and everyone is going to see what a horrible writer I am, and maybe I said something offensive, and everyone will hate me, and I should just stop blogging, I don’t know why I keep blogging, I always stress out over it so much, and nobody really reads it, anyway.” I’ll think shit like this, and I’ll know it’s shit, and I’ll know that I don’t usually think like that and that there was nothing especially awful or offensive about what I just said and that people actually do read stuff that I write… but I won’t be able to shake off the feeling that it was awful and then think about it like it’s the end of the world.
It was really fun when my mind did the same thing when, after I’d gotten my name unofficially changed with the school, I emailed one of the professors saying that my name was changed, so he wouldn’t get confused. And I got an email back saying my name wasn’t changed on his roster. This would be a little embarrassing normally (I told him it should be changed (it should have!) and it wasn’t), but add on catastrophe-vision and suddenly my teacher must think I am absolutely nuts and how am I ever going to deal with talking to him again and he’s probably talking to his colleagues about what a nut I am and I’m so embarrassed I don’t even want to think about it and what if he’s transphobic and I’m afraid to even show my face on campus and it’s the end of the world and waaah.
Yea. It’s like I’m a super-hero, only my super powers are, like, catastrophe-vision (turning even the smallest problems into the end of the world!), lethargy, and indecision*.
Wow, did I actually write a full post? Sweet. I’m going to go play video games, now. Or maybe read a book. Or maybe just lie down and relax.
*Ooh, indecision. I didn’t even talk about indecision. Like what the hell is up with not being able to decide simple things like what kind of bread to get at the store? I do not usually have this much trouble with making simple decisions, and then when I force myself to just make a decision, it still takes longer than it should, and I pick something that isn’t really what I wanted anyway. Or, like, they don’t have the thing I wrote on my grocery list, and it totally stumps me. I can’t figure out what to get instead. I end up standing there for like 10 minutes trying to figure out what I want to get instead, and I’ve just about decided to get some donuts when the bakery worker starts taking the donuts out of the display thing because it’s the end of the day. And then I have to go be indecisive about something else, and my backpack is heavy with all the books I got from the library, and I don’t understand why I can’t just hurry up and decide what to get.